10 Things I’m Telling My Son
The so-called "best" advice he's gonna get from me
Morgan Housel once shared a story that left an impact in me.
In 1931, Clarence Hughes had a really painful toothache. He went to the dentist, and was given rough anaesthesia to help with the pain. Hughes woke up a few hours later, only to realise that sixteen of his teeth were gone and his tonsils no longer where it should be.
Hughes passed away a week later because of complications from the surgery.
His wife took the dentist to court. Her issue, however, wasn’t about the death of her husband. Back in the day, people were well aware they could die from surgeries. The problem, as far as Miss Hughes was concerned, was her husband never agreed to have the operation, and he wouldn’t have agreed if he was asked.
The closest way I could relate to this was some eight years back when I injured my lower back during a rugby game.
Experiencing an unusual pain radiating down my legs, I visited a sports doctor whom, after a series of tests, suggested I undergo an MRI scan to pinpoint the cause of the discomfort.
When the results were out, it was clear that I had suffered a slipped disc.
Two options were then presented: go under the knife to remove the herniated tissue, or seek treatment from a chiropractor/physiotherapist for non-invasive care. Caught off guard by this circumstance, I reached out to my physiotherapist who was also an expert in rehabilitating patients with comparable injuries. It was then I heard those assuring words:
Do not go for the surgery. I say again, do not go for the surgery. If they cut your back open, you’ll never be the same. With proper rehabilitation, you will heal. Your body just needs time.
Throughout much of medical history, the guiding belief in medicine was that the doctor’s primary responsibility was to treat the patient, while the patient, as ill-informed about the ailment, had to accept whatever was spoken. Consent between doctor and patient wasn’t all black and white.
If the doctor felt this was the way to go, this was the way to go.
In his book The Silent World Between Doctor and Patient, Dr Jay Katz wrote:
Doctors felt they were obligated to attend to their patients’ physical and emotional needs and to do so on their own authority, without consulting with their patients about the decisions that needed to be made. The idea that patients may also be entitled to sharing the burdens of decisions with their doctors was never part of the ethos of medicine.
“But back then”, Housel says, “that was the belief, and it was grounded on two points: 1) every patient wants to be cured, and 2) there is a correct, universal way of curing them.”
From what doctors thought was the best and only way to treat a patient, medical professionals are now presenting the probabilities of what was likely to be effective, and then allowing the patient to choose the most comfortable course of action. Patients also have the liberty to seek a second opinion from another professional.
“Medicine”, writes Katz, “is a complex profession, and the interactions between physicians and patients are also complex.” And because everyone has wildly different views about everything — education, politics, money, health — it’s important that each individual’s beliefs and perspectives are taken into consideration. Claiming that doctors can simply depend on their good intentions, their intuition in determining the right actions, and their ability to carry out their duties with patience, caution, and wisdom is both risky and unfounded.
There isn’t a single “correct” answer for anything.
Since every patient’s bodies are different, the only “correct” option is to choose what gives you a "peace of mind", or "whatever works best for you". Selecting the non-invasive option was one that sat extremely well with me, and it was proven to be the right decision made till this day.
And that’s exactly how you should approach life when it comes to the decisions you make today, and how it could potentially affect your future.
A hard pill to swallow
As an educator, one of the recurring discomforts I have with guiding children in the arts is I can’t give a one-size-fits-all, universal answer to every student.
Every child is different.
How they express themselves, artistically or creatively, is largely influenced by what they’ve learned in school, upbringing at home, friends they hang out with, the culture they’re immersed in, cartoon shows they watch or the books they read. Each child’s world is a variation of another child’s, who’s world is a variation of another.
Two children the same age from the same family may come to totally different conclusions about what’s considered beautiful, just as two people who suffered a back injury can choose different treatments. Just as medical textbooks can’t summarise those decisions, life textbooks can’t either.
And the more I think about it, the more this back-of-my-head consideration propels me to contemplate on what it could mean for you and I to progress in life.
Truth is, I’ve come to learn that there is no “best” approach when it comes to making decisions, amongst many things, about my education, finances, careers, who I choose to marry, or which house to live in. Focusing on the “top” hacks by experts, or worse, comparing your life against your peers’ Instagram page suggest we’re failing to acknowledge the complexities of life, and whatever happens in the future is dependent on whether or not you made the pre-defined, socially-acceptable recipes of “success”.
This is a hard pill to swallow because:
1) we want the best for ourselves
2) we don’t want to suffer
3) we want to be safe
And as we lack certainty, there's a possibility that we might be shortchanging ourselves. The idea that we might be missing out is enough to crumble our esteem and distract us from running the race.
The discomfort of not knowing is discomforting.
In many instances, pursuing a relationship or a business partnership will require the same kind of analysis as selecting the treatment option for your injury: do I see myself working with this person for a long time, is there an affinity with the other half, do we share the same vision, present and future?
There can’t be a “right” approach for that.
No amount of dating advice or top business practices can inform you if this individual in contemplation will be the one. My head tells me one thing, my gut feel another. The only “advise” you’re looking for is already within you: does this give me a peace of mind?
What exists are numerous external and internal forces that could potentially shape you in a thousand ways, and one too many moving parts which you have no control of. To allow our emotions — a complex, volatile human behaviour — to get the better of us when we gawk at society’s highlight reels, discontentment will rage in our minds.
Then I thought about my son, Maxime.
How could I ever show my son the “right” path to take when all I have are questions, doubts and uncertainties, or when a billion different kinds of parenting “hacks” are showing up on my news feed. I can’t force feed my worldview on him when I know he is going to experience a vastly different childhood from what I had two decades ago.
What, then, would be the one thing I can give him so that, if all else fails, he could carry it safely in his pocket when he grows old?
And in that moment it hit me that it’s not more money, more clothes, more toys, more tuition, or more homework. It's what I have inside me — my experiences — that could be passed on through a string of words.
Maybe in a form of a letter, given to him on his second birthday, next month.
I’m not going to be that doctor who claims that there is only one, universal way to be treated, but what I can do is write him a list of things I believe would sustain him in all circumstances.
10 Things I’m Telling My Son
1. Express gratitude
The ability to focus on what you have and express gratitude for it is a superpower. The surest index of mental, spiritual and emotional well-being is the amount of gratitude you unleash. Two things to take note: 1) linger over life’s blessings, and 2) live in the moment, and do not succumb to "destination disease" which suggest that you’ll only be satisfied when ___ happens. Do not postpone joy.
2. I hope life will be hard for you
I hope you will be, at one point, poor. I hope you will, at one point, lose something you treasure dearly. As much as we want your life to be smooth-sailing, it’s only through the power of scarcity that you will grasp the true value of what you have. The lack of clarity, money or pleasure will always be humanity’s biggest fear, simply because we fear what we do not have or understand. You are not exempted from it. But never allow this to hinder you from pursuing new experiences, take risk or trust people.
3. Develop a keen awareness for the people around you
I’m not asking you to look out for everyone. Rather, something as simple as saying “hello” to a stranger you’ve met for the first time, or a “thank you” when someone does something for you. Choose to put a “10” on every person’s head no matter how they treat you. Expect the best from others, and help them think more highly of themselves. This is by no means an easy task. You must consciously choose this every day. Remember, you are the bigger man.
4. Master the art of changing your mind, regularly
Let your mind be so nimble that your opinions and perspectives can evolve with time. This is an underrated, yet important skill everyone should master. It’s not fickle-mindedness. It’s a sign of intelligence and humility. But while you contextualise yourself with the ever-changing world, always be ready to fall back on timeless principles when you are feeling lost or confused. It’s your mission to identify these immutable values that would form the hallmark of your life.
5. Detach yourself from everyone else’s definition of success
Whatever is important to you may not be important to others. Whatever is important to others may not be important to you. We’re all playing different games, with different rules, different systems and different end goals. Using another person’s yardstick to measure your progress will mean that you’ll forever be two steps behind. It’s a game that you cannot win. Instead, focus on competing with only one person — yourself. Identify what makes you happy, what you consider fulfilling and do everything you can to reach that point.
6. Know that nothing in this world is perfect
Neither are we your parents. And neither are you. The moment you accept this, the sooner you’ll begin to forgive yourself and move on from your mistakes. Learn from your mistakes, and try not to make the same mistake twice.
7. People are confusing
But don’t try to figure them out, and don’t blame them for being like that. Everyone is fighting the same battle on a different ground. Cut each other some slack.
8. You were not born to consume
You were made for something better: create. It’s an innate characteristic, but if you don’t use it, you’ll lose it. Creativity is the currency of the future. Guard it with your life. Fight conformity. Fight human intuition. Fight anything that wants to rob you of it. Always strive to develop original ideas that have value, and then apply them to all aspects of your life.
9. Keep a notebook and a pen wherever you go
The best way to rationalise your thoughts, ideas and creativity is to fall back on the simplest exercise ever made known to man — writing. Journaling, or documenting your thoughts and feelings through a string of words are the magic beans that would grow into the giant beanstalk. It will encourage you to build mindfulness and present-moment awareness that is much needed in this hyper-fast world.
10. Get out there
If you have the opportunity, live away from home. Seek a life in unfamiliarity, be with people who don’t look like you and listen to their stories. Not only will these moments make you realise how big the world is, it will show you how small yours has been. Challenge yourself to what you consider excellent by being curious about things which confuses — unfamiliar languages, unfamiliar cultures, unfamiliar people — because when you immerse yourself amongst them, it will bring out your warrior instincts. Warriors fight to the very end.
If you don't agree with anything we've written, that's okay. I don't blame you - we don’t have the answers to everything. Go figure it out on your own. I'm sure you’ll uncover them one day.
Love,
Dad
✍🏻 Writing Tip
✔️ Who’s The Hero?
Two weeks ago I shared about The Hero’s Journey. Today, let’s laser focus into the hero itself.
So, who’s the hero?
In every copy, writing, email, story, there is only one hero. It’s not you. It’s your audience. Your readers. Your clients. Your students. Why? Because throughout all of humanity, people are bothered by one thing — themselves. It’s not selfish. It’s human nature. It’s the way we’re wired to see the world around us. “How can this help me in life?”, or “what’s in it for me?” are what your readers or clients are asking themselves.
And the quicker we realise this, the quicker we can direct all our content into speaking to the hero of the day.
Some tips:
Understand their challenges and goals: know what issues your readers face and what they want to achieve, tailoring your content to address their needs.
Use inclusive language: Cut the “me, me, me”, start speaking “you, you, you”. Make them feel involved and connected.
Share success stories: Highlight real examples of people who conquered challenges and achieved goals, inspiring your readers to see their own potential.
📸 Photography Tip
✔️ Encapsulation
Encapsulate your photographs by containing them within something.
This “something” can be anything. Bunch of leaves, metal poles, or tree branches and leaves, like the photo above. The point here is to channel your audience’s focus into the main subject - in this case, Mount Bromo - by fixating an imaginary “circle” (or box, or square or whatever you call it) around it.
Influence your audience to see what you want them to see.